New start?

It's been a pretty cool day today. Been drizzling whole day. I like it. I love the wind that comes with it. I stood by the ktchen window and stuck out my head to feel the wind. So refreshing. The plants and grass all so green. Nourished by the sun and add in the rain. They look as refreshing as I am when I felt the wind blowing against my face and tossing my hair.

Yes! Good news. No longer eating just air. Have a job. Good location. Satisfactory pay. Alright environment. Nice boss. Pleasant collegues.Flexible schedule. Kinda dislike the customers there though.. Irritating. Kept calling me 'teacher'. Just because I wear specs doesn't mean I'm a teacher. It's quite insulting. Teacher is not a disgraceful occupation. But the way they put it means I look nerdy and ugly. Those typical spinster teacher. I hate it! I have my pride. I refused to have my pride step on. Try me. Attack me and I'll defend and counter-attack back. Wouldn't leave much room for you idiots to run. Better move away asap from me, or you'll have no chance.

Another good news. Though not closely related to me, but it's a piece of good news. A close friend of mine just become an uncle. His sister just gave birth today. A pretty baby boy with lots of hair. Can't wait to share his joys tomorrow when he will be showing me photos of this little baby boy. He's been excited the whole week when he got news that his sis will be giving birth this week.

Bad news. Mom asked for my input to the household expenses. I just started work. Where will I have the $? Everyone kept thinking got job=got $. Stupid! I just started. Not started for a long long time. Everyone always wants a share of my $. I'm not earning thousands. I'm only getting mere hundreds. Take my life. That's all I have....................... I'm the one earning the least in the whole family. Even my brother has more than me. Why not ask form my sis? She's been out working for more years than I am. Why not her? Why me?

I hate $. But I can't do without it. I hate it!!!!!

Window of soul closed.

Not really that kind of sick like fever, flu..etc. It's my body's 'fave kind' of sick. Always to do with my windows of soul.. Haiz... Wonder what's wrong with my eyes. Always trouble me. Even my doctor asked me too. Why do my eyes always give me problems? I love to know the answer too. It's an infection. Last time, it happened to my right eye. Now? The left one. Partners in crime. The last time, I went to see the doctor too late. So I had to go for the surgery. Minor one though. Hopefully, this time, it will be clear up with the medication I've been given. Spare me the trouble and horror of undergoing that scary surgery. I don't wanna see a scalpel coming near my eye. Freaked me out and I had to resist blinking and flinching away. Takes lots of control out of me. After which, I'll be like a pirate. One eye gone. Luckily, not permanently. Better not be.

The antibiotics I had to eat. Yucks! Horrible. Taste and smell like insecticide. Kills me. No choice. It's either I finish them up, or it will be that surgery. Not forgetting the cost of the surgery... (Yikes! I thought I heard a dog yelp. And there's no dog in my house......What the....)

With my poor window of soul sick, I hope it wouldn't jeopardise my chance of getting my new hope of getting a new job. I better not carry too much hope. If not, I'll be very disappointed if I lose it. Pray for me. It's my only hope for now. I don't ask for much. Just a chance to survive...

Another rainy day.

Another rainy day, but there's no event going on.. Just rain and rain and rain. Nothing much. Spent the whole day rotting. When am I gonna pick up myself again? There's things to look forward to. But I can't feel enough motivations to get started. Help me...

Argh... No mood...

A rainy day event.

It's strange how certain events like to happen on rainy days. I gained my freedom. With gains, there'll be lost. What was the price for freedom? Heartache? Unhappiness? Tears? Hurt of someone I cared? Price for freedom is high. Have I done wrong? I wondered. It seems that I was very confident about my decision. But was I really? Or I'm just happened to hold up alrite? I must have hurt him deeply. In my exchanged of freedom, I had hurt someone. I hope he will forgive me. I hope he understands. I hope I have done the exchange in a softer way. A way that somehow lessen the hurt.


You might not be the one I love most, but at this moment, I definately know, the one who love me most.... Is You.

Questions and questions

What went wrong? Why can she do it and I can't? What is it she has and I don't? What is it they want that I can't give? Are I supposed to be jealous? Or am I supposed to congrats her? Am I supposed to sit and cry? Or am I supposed to work harder? What had changed and will never be like before? Is it just me or is it everything else? What can I do to help myself? What can I not do? Where can I start a new begining? How do I get about doing it? When should I start? Is it now or never? Should I not be envious? Should I not be sad? Should I tuck away the past? Should I challenge the future? Should I be fearful of the unknown? Should I brace myself up and face it alone?

Where is everyone? Why am I alone? Why am I lagging so far behind? Will I ever get to catch up? Will I ever have the chance to overtake? Am I thinking too much and not doing enough? What is enough and wat is not? What is too much and what is not? Is the scales ever fair and balance? Is God really fair? Does he not exists or is he always around? Where is my faith? Where is my hopes? Where have my dreams and hopes gone to? Will they ever come back and look for me? Will I be able to start afresh and be happy again? Will I ever smile and mean it true from the heart? Or will The sun goes down and never to rise again? Will tears from the heart just flow and form a neverending river? Will regrets just stop there or it will persist to contiune? Will I ever stop questioning so much??? Who am I questioning? IS it me? Or no one?

So much questions and I have only one answer. I don't know...........................................................

It's getting cold.

What is getting cold? The weather? The food? No. It's the passion. The relationship. I felt it getting colder and colder. What had changed? It's just cooling off. I'm not sure why. How do I let it get warm up again and have sparks flying off? Is it just me? Or is it him? Or is it us? Have I not try hard enough to keep it going? Or have I already let it go? Why do I feel more resentment and unhappiness instead of love and happiness?

I have a feeling, it lies with me.. It's me. Are there so much changes that the once beautifully fitted jigsaw no longer fit. It has become a puzzle with missing pieces.

I don't wanna hurt him. He has been very nice and good to me. But the feelings isn't same. How do I tell him? How do I express my feelings and thoughts without hurting him? Is this only for a short while? Or the changes are permanent? Is it like before?

I read once from somewhere. When you felt the relationship is cooling off. Passion sparks no longer fly. What should you do? Think about how you have fell for each other? What was it that attracted you to him? What was it you like about him? What past memories had you shared? Maybe it will re-ignite the passion sparks. Does it really works? I did smile a little when i thought of the honeymoon period. But it doesn't really help much.

Was it because our oxygen is runing out? And elsewhere a greener pasture, when oxygen is abundant, attracted me like bee to honey.. Oh No! What am I gonna do?

Continue to indulge in tis sinful passion? Or let it go and return to that old arms? Alot of times, you it's wrong but you will still do it. Why? Why?

Help.....

A dream

I had a dream. I'm surprised I didn't wake up crying. But I woke up feeling very disturbed. Very upset. Because in my dream, I had cried very sadly. Someone I cared for die in my dream. In real life I know this person. But in my dream, he seems to be someone important to me.

I dreamt that me and a few friends were rushing to a hospital-like place. There we found him critically ill. There's a lot of presents in one corner of the room. I don't remember what he said. But I felt very worried and sad. A while later he suddenly passed away. I cried my heart out. I hold onto his body and shake him, hoping to wake him. But I couldn't. I'm very very sad. Tears flowed. The presents are for us. He had left it for us. He labelled names on the presents to let us know who is it for. On the table top there's this yellow paper. In it was a bottle of martell and a broken glass bottle wooden cap. On this cap, there's a piece of paper stuck to it. On it wrote KISS. This present, was, meant for me. The broken bottle used to be a beautiful bottle filled with pretty things. It was suppsoed to be a gift to a mutual friend. But it seems he had broken it and there's broken glass under the bed and silvers of fragments in the paperbag. I was very touched. At the same time, I was even more sad, especially at the sight of the word on the cap. While someone else was distributing the presents, more friends came and they knew that he was gone, and they didn't make it to see him one last time.

I don't know how to fully describe how I felt. The emotions are very strong and real. it really shook me from my sleep. I hope it will never happen....

What a boring day.

Was so used to going work.. Now, I'm so free. It's getting kinda bored. When I used to go work everyday, It's sian. Now, I don't need to go work, I'm bored. When will I start to get a new job? Will my old workplace open again and save me the trouble of starting all over again? All that two idiots' fault. Nothing to do, so old liao, still don't know how to think. I hate them.

Now I have to think about what to do everyday. Should I stay home tomorrow? Or should I go for coffee? Shopping? I mean window shop. No job, no income, no $. A sudden death to my growing bank a/c. Now it stopped growing.. And gonna be depleting fast. Help! How I wish $ do drop from sky.