Please clear the weeds because this plant here is dying

I feel awfully depressed lately. Plenty of negative stuff just added up together. This feeling is choking me. It tightens around my throat threatening to cut of air. It worms into my heart, stabs at it. It pushes it way through my tear ducts and swims in my eyes.

I have no idea how I lived this life. I totally waste it. What am I doing? Sometimes I just find myself in the same situation over and over again. The best part? I kept choosing the wrong solution over and over again. What about that 'once bitten, twice shy' thing? Doesn't seems to occur on me?

In the primary school days. It was competition everyday on everything. It's the environment I grew up in I guessed. No matter how well I do, I can never reach the targetted goal. The goal was not even set by myself. I guess no one cares anyway. It's just life isn't it? Most people went through the same and survived. So did I, didn't I? How much of myself was left then?

In the secondary school days. I set my own goals. I attempted to reach them. I did at a point of time only to get utterly disappointed. I didn't manage to get into the class I want. I gave up hope. What's the use of working so hard for nothing? After the Os, it just get 'better and better'.

Gotta start earning my own pocket money. See the working world a bit. Then came the Poly days.
It was once of the worst and best school days of my life. I found a place to be in my TKD. A place that I belonged. The worst? I dropped out of school for one stupid reason. One very very stupid reason. At that point of time, I were so lost. The pain. I cannot describe. I have no support from anyone. I felt so lonely. I don't know what to do.

Along came dance school. Doing something I loved. I worked and I danced. Almost everyday, work and dance. I felt happy. But then, I don't know what went wrong... Everything just collapsed on me. I became lost again...

After that, it's just about work. I worked happily in this little restaurant. Finally, a second place that gave me a sense of belonging. It felt like home. I could just work for free and I were still happy. This is the most memorable working experience in my life. Somehow, things didn't went smoothly. So I went out hunting again... Here and there, bits and pieces. Another nice place to work in. Boss is super nice other then his occasional temper. Nice colleaugues too. But someone had to come along and took everything away overnight. I had to hunt again. I'm so tired...

Another new place, new work. Didn't really went that smooth. I don't understand. Is there something wrong with me? I can't seems to Pay totally sux. But it's a start. I get to work and study again. Then someone had to say I studied for the wrong reasons. What have I done wrong? What? Am I suppose to study for fun? I studied because I want a better paying job. What's wrong with that?

That new period of time is one of my best. I met very good people and we became friends till now. I found meaning in life. I found new goals and went all the way out to achieve them and I did. I can't be happier. I left the place and found a new one. The real start to my career. People were pretty nice. The work's ok... But this person had to come and spoil everything. For a year, I had to endure his insults. Why do I have to endure so long? Because I don't have a choice yet. Finally came the day when I had the chance of choice. I typed out my resignation letter and sent out resume in tears. You have no idea how hurt I were. I appreciated the guidance I had there, but I seriously think that insults were too much.

Another new place. Very fast-paced work life. Very tiring and tedious. A lot of learning experiences. Good bosses. But the workload is too much. And there is something else. I think it's myself. I don't why. But I can't feel the passion in the work. I don't feel like I belong there. I need to feel a sense of belonging. It's very important to me. Sense of belonging and passion will drive me a long way. I couldn't find it.

Now, out to hunt again. Many disappointments, little hopes. I'm starting to lose faith in myself and everything else. I don't know how long I can hold on... Crying isn't gonna help. But I can't help it. I can only secretly cry in the showers, in the dark and hope the sliver linings will show soon. I can't depend on anyone else but myself isn't it? There's no one to depend on anyway. All the way. It's just me alone. Always alone...

*~*~*Spare me some room. I need to breathe*~*~*