A cool refreshing morning at 7.18am of 2 October 2021, Saturday

 Dear Blog,

Do you miss me? The last blog was years ago. You have not changed. Have I changed? Maybe.
Covid-19 has changed many people's lives. 

March 2020 was when my life crashed once again. A "sudden death" situation. Till today, I have not really come to terms with it. On and off, I will think back. What have I done or not done to deserve this? Karma will comes for those who did bad. What bad did I do to deserve this? Would it have been different if I have followed the "crowd"? I have no idea. That day, that pain. I can remember vividly. I tried to avoid thinking of it but sometimes just cannot help it. It just comes to my mind. 

Then came Covid-19 lockdown. It's like the Earth has stand still. Once I thought I cannot survive a single month without a job but I managed to survive for months. Things that once thought not possible became possible. Working from home became a norm. 

Me. During that period, my life slowed down. Gone were the days of working to dead of night. Stayed home doing things I like. Catching up on sleep without having to wake to alarm clock. I do not miss squeezing like sardines in the train on the way to work. I get to chilled at coffeeshop, sipping coffee and enjoying my time. A friend commented that it seems like I am enjoying retired life. Maybe this is what retirement will feel like.

Empty on the career life. Equally empty on love life. Seems like plenty of time to readjust my life goals. Underneath the chilled behavior, I was quite lost actually . No one knows the panic I felt and the many nightmares I had. The amount of tears shed can water a greenhouse full of plants. I live day by day. The future looks bleak. There had been fleeting thoughts of ending it all. Stopped due to lack of courage and unfinished business. They say, suicide is a cowardly and selfish act. Escaping through death and leaving all the mess to the living. I feel it takes a lot of courage for one to actually do it. They must have felt immersed pain, hopelessness, helplessness to reach the stage where they just cannot handle anymore. Not to worry, I am not at that stage yet thought sometimes I feel I'm almost there. 

On a happier note. Things seem to realign back on track. Person of interest appeared. People come and go. Who knows if this is also one of the passerby. Sometimes I'm filled with envy when I see my peers happily settled down. I once thought I will also be like them. Now I'm not sure if that is what I wanted. Perhaps just someone to share ups and down with. I enjoy having someone whom I can share all the interesting things and also the day to day life with. I want to explore the world too, only to be chained down by financial obligations. Clipped wings bird in a cage hope to be set free soon.. I'm glad I managed to travel a bit during my better times. No regrets.

Took a nap at odd hours and now I am too awake too sleep. Shall go back to my hand-fan sewing. Took too long to finish it.

Good night to night owls. Good morning to early birds. Congratulations. You have worms to eat.


~*~*~*Count my blessings*~*~*~