New light

A new light has shown itself to me.Though it's still very far away, but I can see it.There is hope afterall.However, I wonder if I'm able to reach it before it goes off.I haven't tell much people what this light is about.I only told some close people about the real light.I wanna wait till I can reach it then I tell them.At the moment it is still a fictious story.I'm gonna try rewrite it into a non-fiction story add in a fairytale 'happily ever after' Wouldn't it be beautiful?

Needed to be needed.

I. I want to be needed. I want to feel important. I want to be useful. I want to be alot. Sometimes I just want to be invisible. But now? Eversince I started work and dance, things had been rather unsmooth. each time I taught I'm needed, important. It turned out to be otherwise. I'm begining to get increasingly doubtful of myself, my abilities. There wasn't even a time where I feel needed..

Everyone seems so busy, except me. What have I been doing all these while? I throw my own dreams and efforts into the toilet bowl and flush them into deep seas... I never wanted that. I never do.

Someone said that I have no dreams. YOU! Are so so wrong to say that. Who are you to say that of me? Do you know me very well other than we were classmates? Tell me. Who has no dreams, no hopes, no ambitions? Tell me? Even a kid has dreams. How can I not have? I know you will never read this. But I'm really very upset.

I know you guys care. But is this the only way to show care? If that is the only way, I rather you show nothing at all. You hurt my pride and broke my defence. All I have left is that bit of pride and defence left. Of all people, it had to be you. Why? Tell me?? I kept quiet all the way when been attacked. Why? All because I still want you guys as friends. That's why I walk away. I know it's rude. But it's all I can do, for myself. I don't wanna cry again in that place in front of my friends. I don't like to cry in front of anyone. No even my boyfriend, not even my family. But you, of all people has to do that to me. I know you care. But ever consider my feelings? It's my own life. Who else other then me will be more worried and anxious?

Tell me. Who? Of course it will be me. Why? It's my life, that's why. IT'S MY LIFE. It's mine... Ever wonder why I seldom confide to you? I wonder that too. Because most of the time, I just want a listening ears. I don't want opinions. Everyone assumed I want opinions. I don't.

Do you know I'm always so envious, if you wanna say jealous, it's ok too. You have a close family. You have a bunch of close friends. You completed your studies smoothly. You are walking to your dreams. Me? You should know I'm not close to my family. I seriously don't have a bunch of close friends. As for studies.. That's the one that you threw it hard at me that day. I never complete... I'm walking nowhere near my dreams (if I'm still holding onto it)...

Do you know how it feel to have everyone being successful around me? And I'm nowhere near success? I'm upset enough already. All I want is for support and encouragement.. I don't need more reprimanding and push. You might want say it's for my own good. What makes you think it is good for me? You are not me. How do you know it is for me good? Because you think so? That means there's no thinking about my feelings in the first place right? How nice..

I'm sincere in keeping my friends. Wo shi yi ge ji chou de ren. Dan wo ye ji de shui dui wo hao. I'll always remember this very incident. There's no way I can forget because it hurts and upsets me. But, I hope this doesn't affect our friendship. We can still dine and shop, chit-chat as normal.

Do you understand what I'm trying to say? This is the best way I can express myself. Don't force me to say in words. I can never do that. Really.

A bad, new start?

Well, work's gonna start this coming thursday. Kinda dread it. But I need the money. Gonna work with that useless Empress Dowager. What am I gonna do? Can I survive? I need the money badly. I'll just have to cope, isn't it?

It's not really a new start. A new start will be leaving that place and finding a brand new environment to work in. I hate having to start all over again. Everything back to zero, except me. My thinking.. It's stuck nowhere. My beliefs. Are nowhere either.

It's so dark now. No. Not the sky. It's my world. I can't see anything silver linings. When are they gonna show? I need just that little bit of light. Just a little. Is it too much to ask? Or could it be that I have already drawn down the curtains and shut out all lights. Maybe I have found comfort in the dark. Have I? I don't know.

The things I have love. They are gone. I am capable of bringing them back into my life, but I have no energy. Non at all. They are waiting for me aren't they?

Sometimes when you lose something, if you are lucky, it will be back to you. But if you are unlucky, it will be gone forever. Worst still, it lingers where you can see, everywhere, anywhere, but just out of reach of you. It's worst than lost forever. It's there. Just there. right in front of me. But help!! I can't reach it!!

I'm desparately needing some directions. I'm stubborn. I have my pride. Maybe I have already refused all directions offered.

Now, lost and nowhere to go.

Boredom

Bored. So bored. What can I do? I miss those dancing days. I miss those working days where I at least have company. What am I doing now? Entering a blog out of boredom. How boring. Cash runs way too low to even go out for a walk. There's no life.. Everything has turn stagnant, even turn downhill.

Help! I'm dying of boredom!

The first one.

How should I start? This is the very first blog I have. What should I say?
Woke up from nightmare full of flying cockroaches. Makes me jumped up from sleep. Everyone seems busy today. Even the sky is busy with gloomy clouds and shining sun. Will the rain come?

Rain. It always makes me think. Think of the past and about the doubtful future. Do I create my own future or is it already been set for me? Can I reset if if i dun like? Or can I delete and recreate again?

The past. It's been deeply set and there's no way to erase it other then have a serious concussion and forget everything. Or fall into a coma fill with dreams that I want and never wake up again. Easier said than done. So many things left undone and unsaid. How to let go?

Things are so dark now. When will the silver linings show?

How long can I hold on?

Am I on my own?